Presenting... Apple's Next Post-iPad Products, with EVEN BIGGER TOUCHSCREENS!!!

It all started out with the iPod. Then it got smaller (iPod Nano) and even smaller (iPod Shuffle). Then they started getting bigger, and cooler with the iPod Touch, and then when the iPhone was released, all hell broke loose.

Now EVERYONE wants a touchscreen, and the iPhone has lost it's cool factor because EVERYONE has one. So what does Apple do? Make it BIGGER of course!

Don't get me wrong, despite the stupid name, the iPad looks damn cool, but really, I can't see beyond it being just an over-glorified iPod Touch. Sure, specific people will have great use for it - photographers who want to show-off their portfolio, marketing people who need to do presentations and so on. But me? My current laptop's already damn small, is a tablet, and also has a touch screen. So what's the big deal about the iPad, huh?

Yeah, I'll pass for now. At least until it gets cheaper, or someone gives it to me free. Heh heh.

Besides, at the rate Apple is going by making their touch screen devices BIGGER and BIGGER, I reckon their next products will be the following:

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The iTable



Throw out your clunky desktop and turn your DESK into your personal computer! Instead of using your fingers, use your PALMS to work the iTable!

Special apps:

• iPhone Table: Never use your hands to answer the phone again! Now you can answer all your calls by simply laying your ear down anywhere on the iTable!
  
• iArm: Eliminate the risk of carpal-tunnel syndrome when you use the iTable with this faulous app that massages your arms when you rest them on the iTable!
  
• iCup: An app that detects your cup anywhere you put it on the iTable, and automatically keeps it warm for you! A future upgrade will have a 'freeze' mode that allows you to keep your beers chilled as well!
  
• iMahjung: Never lose a mahung tile again! Using this app, the iTable can be converted into a virtual mahjung table, complete with almost real sound effects!
• iSmoke: Can't stop smoking at work? Well, this app is for you. just flick your ash anywhere on the iTable and the touchscreen immediately absorbs the ash and converts it into renewable energy to power the iTable! Comes with built-in lighter!
• iTypewriter: For long-serving workers who miss the days when "We had none of these hocu-pocus PC or iPiss shit! We had good old typewriters!". Provides authentic typewriter sounds, and the all-familiar DING! when the user finishes a line.
  

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The iBoard



Throw out your old school black/white boards and use the iBoard intead! Even Einstein would approve! Comes with a metal stand to wheel around for easy transport, for teachers and mathematicians on the go!

Special Apps:

• iPhoto: Turns your iBoard into a picture frame; and decorate it by downloading your favorite paintings by famous artists like Picasso, Van Gogh and more! (Screensavers? What are those?)
• iChalk / iMarker: Turns your iBoard into a digital blackboard or whiteboard, depending on your preference. Comes with authentic chalk-on-board sounds. Even includes authentic annoying screeching sound when you run your fingernails over it!
• iMath: automatically loads and displays any famous or obscure mathematical formula (written in chalk) when you need to impress people with your intellectual prowess.
• iTeach: When used for classrooms, this app will ensure you never embarrass yourself in front of your students with typos, grammatical errors or wrong calculations; by automatically correcting the mistakes as you make them. Suitable for English teachers who are not very good at English.

Absolut Fantasy

Contrary to THIS post, I'm actually not THAT big a fan of Absolut Vodka. I mean, I'm a fan of vodka IN GENERAL, and I don't MIND Absolut; but I certainly don't LOVE it. So sue me, but I've been spoiled silly with awesome vodka in Poland, and Absolut isn't exactly GREAT vodka. It's GOOD, but not GREAT.

But at least it's GOOD. Between Absolut and the shite 'vodka' they serve at bars and pubs in KL (the one in Barsonic is especially foul), I'll take Absolut anytime.

I'll say one thing about them though - they have one hell of a marketing team . They have a freaking good ad campaign, and their bottles are pretty cool too. I have a whole collection of miniature Absolut bottles (I'm still trying to get my hands on a miniature Absolut Peppar bottle.. anyone wanna sell me one?).

Anyway, I've tried quite a few of their flavored vodkas too. Some are decent, some are downright awful. Pear, Citron, Apeach and Vanilla I like. Mango, Peppar... I can handle. Raspberri? Forget it. I made the mistake of buying one bottle once, and couldn't finish that huge bottle of cough mixture flavored vodka for a whole YEAR, until one drunken party where an already drunk friend downed the whole bottle all by himself.

I was in Changi recently and saw the Absolut Rock bottle, with all the leather and studs, and went, "WTF kinda vodka is this?" Stone flavored vodka? So hard it knocks you out? What's all this batu-ba... huh? Oh... ROCK.

Anyway, since they seem to be having fun coming up with their legitimate Absolut vodkas, I figured it might be fun to come up with our OWN localised Absoluts as well... Here we go!

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Absolut BKT
Inspired by claims from femes food blogger KYspeaks that bah kut teh is the best after-party supper ever, this strong vodka combines the awesomeness of vodka and bah kut teh in one custom made, one of a kind Absolut-bottle-shaped thermos bottle. It satiates your alcohol craving AND your stomach at the same time! Available in two versions - one with little pork bits, and a vegetarian one with tau foo pok instead.

Absolut Cilipadi
Forget Absolut Peppar. This is the mother of all spicy vodkas. Guaranteed to give you not just a ring of fire, but also make your throat burn when you throw it all up. Inspired by femes blogger Fireangel, because, well, you know, Cili Padi is hot. Never mind.

Absolut Cincau
Vodka with little black jelly bits. Goes well with ice, soya bean and served in little plastic bags tied with raffia string.

Absolut Death
Strong vodka with a tinge of apple. 89.9% alcohol content. Best taken neat. Approved by evil witches everywhere, for all your alcoholic princess poisoning needs.

Absolut Grog
Tagline: I can't believe it's not rum! Favored by pirates the world over (except in Somalia and Petaling Street), including those of the bargain bin variety. Best consumed after an attack by dangerous rum-burning Kiera Knightleys.

Absolut Finlandia
Two of Scandinavia's biggest vodka manufacturers come together in a bid to out-vodka THE original and still the best vodka makers from Poland and Russia (both countries that produce THE BEST VODKA in the WORLD, BTW. Smirnoff non-withstanding).

Absolut Kopi-O
Coffee-flavoured vodka. Served on the rocks in large quantities, and in plastic cups. Mixture of caffeine, high sugar content (there is a kurang manis version, but it is generally frowned upon by vodka enthusiasts) and alcohol ensures you get drunk but remain alert. Beware of deadly hangovers in the morning.

Absolut Senget
Strong vodka guaranteed to make you senget. Comes in a limited edition senget designer bottle inspired by the senget adventures of the Thirsty Blogger.

Absolut Shite:
Actually gin.

Absolut Single:
The complete opposite of Absolut Love, this is a vodka made especially for The Last Happy Single Girl and all the other single girls out there. Derived from a love potion recipe by the best bomoh in Malaysia (guaranteed to have never been prosecuted for rape or fraud), it is guaranteed to make any guy look handsome and charming after you drink at least five shots. Neat.

Absolut Sweat
Their venture into the isotonic drink market. Now you can workout, and then replenish your body fluids AND get drunk at the same time! Inspired by Suanie's efforts at Bootcamp. Take note, Bootcamp instructors, if you dangle a drink in front of her she might drag that tyre a lot faster...

Absolut Water
Exactly what it says. Alcohol content: 0%. Highly recommended by femes noob drunk blogger Kimberlycun.


Meet the gang

F1Malaysia! Satu Dreber, Satu Kereta!

F1Malaysia! Satu Dreber, Satu Kereta!

We are now open for applications for the driver's position for 1Malaysia's very special team next season!

If you:

1) ...are Malaysian (doesn't matter which race, as long as can race),
2) ...have a drivers license (kopi-o lesen also can),
3) ...drive a Proton or Perodua (enginF1 Buatan Malaysia mar),
4) ...can drive from KL-Penang in under 2 hours (without jam),
4) ...are not Alex Yoong,

Then you are welcome to apply.

How to apply:

Very easy. Just drive as fast as you can on the North-South highway this coming balik kampung. Our highly trained professional scouts will be stationed under flyovers along the highway, armed with high-tech speed tra... er.. speed detectors which will capture your speed and technique and then report it to our equally highly trained officials stationed further down the road, who will flag you down to sama... er.. congratulate you!

If selected, all you have to do is pay the official a small fee for er.. service tax (RM50 cukup, lipat kecik kecik, yeah?) and you could be selected to be our F1Malaysia driver! Special consideration will be given to those who can do the KL-Penang trip back during balik kampung time in less than 3 hours!

So what are you waiting for! Apply now and you could be representing F1Malaysia in the F1 next season!

Spider-mouse! The Incredible Dulk! Disney Marvel Crossovers!

I woke up this morning to the news that Disney has bought Marvel for USD BILLION.

Yes, believe it, people, the Mouse owns Spidey's ass now, and there's nothing we can do about it.

You gotta admit though, this throws up all sorts of possibilities. No I couldn't care less about all the business business bits. I'm talking about how seeing as Disney owns Marvel, Pixar AND their own Disney characters, think of all the FUN they could have with crossovers!

Imagine...

1) Spider-mouse - A mouse with unusually large ears is bitten by a HUGE radioactive spider (huge to the mouse, that is). He gains special powers - growing to human being-size, gains the ability to talk (in a VERY squeaky voice) and to stick on walls that are not covered with rat poison. With great powers come great merchandising rights, so Spider-mouse goes on to use those powers to drive a steamboat, woo Minnie Mouse, and sell merchandise by the billions. Also guest stars

2) The Incredible Dulk
A mild-mannered duck accidently flies into a gamma ray testing field while escaping some hunters, and is turned into a GIANT GREEN MONSTER (with a beak) who starts throwing tantrums and goes after the hunters yelling "QUACLK SQUESSSSH!!!!" Surprisingly, while the rest of his body turns green, his beak remains yellow. Also, he ends up wearing ONLY a shirt (no pants) which seems to magically expand as he grows bigger.

3) The Fantasia Four Four characters - a mouse, a duck, a goofy-looking dog, and an orange dog are one a road trip in an RV when it is hit by cosmic rays. They then get superpowers (as usual). The mouse gains the ability to command brooms and expand his ears like a rubber mat and calls himself Mr. Fantasia. The duck can turn invisible (but strangely, his beak remains visible). Goofy can turn himself into a living bonfire, which comes in real handy when the gang are roasting marshmallows during their road trips. And Pluto? He gets turned into an orange rock.

4) Plutolt
All his life, Pluto thought he was a superdog. He never seemed to die or get injured when he fell down wells, got hit by large rocks and anvils, or when he smashed into trees while chasing chipmunks. Then he gets lost one day and discovers that he was just a very lucky dog. He then has to find his way home accompanied by two talking chipmunks, an Arisocat, and 101 Dalmations.

5) Toy Story 2.5: The Attack of the Superhero Action Figures
A completely stand-alone story set in between the events of Toy Story 2 and 3, this movie sees Woody, Buzz and gang having to defend themselves and Andy's Room from an attack by Sid's new Marvel Legends superhero action figures. Features Rex the dinosaur headbutting The Incredible Hulk! Woody using his puppet strings against Spider-man! Buzz uses his karate-chop grip against Iron Man (with swinging punch action)! The Little Green Army Men gang up against the Wasp and Ant Man! Little Bo Peep using her staff to whack a plastic Emma Frost (with a face sculpt that looks like a transvestite)! And the greatest battle of them all... Mr. Potatohead taking on Spider-Spud!

Project Beta: The TV Channel With REAL Bloggers!

What da fark is this? A TV SHOW about BLOGGERS? 'Uncovering Malaysia's Top Bloggers'? Since when did they need 'uncovering' in the first place? The only reason why they ARE so-called 'top bloggers' is because they are ALREADY uncovered, and certainly don't need further 'uncovering'. If anything, some of them (especially the guys) need more covering up. The girls can stay uncovered hur hur hur.

Anyway. Like I said (and asked during the press conference)... do we REALLY need a SHOW about BLOGGERS? Do we really need to know what goes on 'behind the scenes' and in their 'real lives'? Yeah right. As if they ALL go to Sunway Resort on normal days. As if three minutes is enough to show us how their lives are like. What next, 1 minute shows for "Malaysia's Top Twitterers"?

That said, there ARE a couple of bloggers I'd like to see them film. And they wouldn't even have to write a script or bring them to Sunway to film. All you have to do is follow them around and voila! You've got a show! Heck, with THESE guys, you'd get a whole CHANNEL of different genres of shows!


Top Blog-Gear
Genre: Automotive
Subject: Paul Tan
Cars cars and cars. Oh, and more cars. Guest-starring MyHorng as a superstar daredevil stunt driver called The Horng. LOL


Blogsurvivor:
Genre: Reality Show
Subject: Suanie
I'd love to see them film her at at Bootcamp (yes Suan, I'm a sadist hahahaha), or complaining while hiking to a waterfall... If you follow her blog regularly, you'll know she's damn sporting and willing to try anything (well, ALMOST anything). Hours of endless entertainment I tell you, not just 3 minutes!


Blogger Gone Wild:
Genre: Shock reality show
Subject: Thirsty Blogger
No need scripts for this guy. Just give him and his friends a lot of booze and let the fun begin! (Guest stars Kimberlycun as 'Chick whose voice gets damn high when she's drunk and then passes out on couch')


Blogprah's Book Club
Genre: Talk show book club
Subject: Bibliobibuli
Recommends good books to everyone. Does not feature Tom Cruise jumping on sofa, but she could get Tash Aw to jump on a stool if you'd like.


Dog Blog Lady
Genre: Pet show
Subject: Kimberlycun
Come take a peek at the life of Kim, who used to have a life, but doesn't now, thanks to her dog EmoCharlie. Watch as she cleans up Charlie's poo! Be thrilled as she rants at restaurants that don't allow dogs! And come learn how to look for a dog-sitter when she needs to go for parties!


Makan-Makan Belog:
Genre: Food
Subject: KYSpeaks
This guy is practically Asian Food Channel all by himself. All he does is EAT EAT and EAT (and complain about taking the LRT to work). Just follow him around with a camera and watch him eat! (Guest star Shaolintiger as token angmoh co-host with better Malaysian accent than most radio DJs.)


So You Think Your Blog Can Party?
Genre: Talent Show
Subject: Fireangel
Give her booze, a dance floor, and she'll fill up the three minutes with non-stop entertainment. She'll even do her Siew Yoke Dance for you if you ask nicely! (for non-Muslims only, ok?). Now, if only she'd actually get back to blogging in the first place...


Blog-E!
Genre: Tabloid and entertainment
Subject: Cyberred
Her name card says she 'chases rock stars' for a living. And boy is she good at it. Hers could be the kind of show where you stick her backstage in a concert and watch her stalk the rock stars!


Footyblog Focus
Genre: Sports
Subject: Hantubola
Watch as the nutjobs at Hantu Bola get mabuk while watching football and start calling Manure United players twats! Features truly Malaysian football commentary ("KEEPER KAYU!") and brilliant, in-depth match analysis ("CIBAI, THAT LUCAS DAMN USELESS!).


Quaint Eye For The Quaint Blog
Genre: Fashion
Subject: Pinkpau
Features Pinkpau dressing up in different costumes for the entire three minutes. What for? It's a FASHION show, numbskull. Since when do fashion shows need a reason to exist? Besides, she's hot, that's why. hahahaahha.


Life of a Blogger/Journalist
Genre: Nature Documentary
Subject: Eyeris
Follows the life of a blogger-journalist in his natural habitat. Contains EXCITING footage of said blogger pouncing on free doughnuts, devouring free cups of coffee, guzzling beer, and spending a lot of time sitting in front of the computer, sniggering to himself and typing. For the WHOLE three minutes. Because that's what most bloggers are like, no? Oh wait, I'm not a TOP blogger. bah.

LEGO: The Movie = Kayu Reeve's Dream Role.

So... apparently they're going to make a movie out of LEGO. Um. No. I mean, they're making a movie ABOUT LEGO (That's it, Hollywood has officially run out of ideas).

How they're going to go about beats me. But one thing seems very obvious to me though. They need to get Keanu Reeves to star in it. Hey, he does the best impression of a wooden plank EVER, and so it's a safe bet that he'll be an ace LEGO Brick as well.



Anyway, you can't have a big star without a story to entice him with. So here are a few story ideas the scriptwriters could pursue...

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Sci-Fi
Reeves is just another 4X8 brick in the wall of a normal, no frills LEGO City house. Dreams of being part of a deluxe Star Wars LEGO set on day. One day, he wakes up to realise he has been made a part of Bionicle set, and has to save his old LEGO house from an attack by the smug and arrogant Star Wars LEGO sets who want to use the house's bricks to build a new Collector's Edition Death Star set.

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Kiddy Movie
It IS a kid's toy, ain't it? Made entirely with 3Duplo effects, Reeves plays a LEGO policeman who has to put on a fat suit and go undercover as DUPLO man, so he can protect the DUPLO son of a very famous LEGO man (who owns all the LEGO Power Miners Sets) from terrorists who want to use his LEGO Thunder Driller to rob banks. Also features Vin Diesel as the voice of the Duplo dog.


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Sports
In a crossover of two of last year's blockbusters, a LEGO Speed Racer Mach 5 gets involved with a race to the death with a LEGO Batmobile. In between the two adversaries is an unknown driver (Reeves) driving a custom-made LEGO Racers car, who has a grudge against both the star drivers.

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Rom-Com
A LEGO man (Reeves) and a LEGO woman (played by Keira Knightley, because, ya know, LEGO women all have flat chests…) falls in love in a LEGO Cafe Corner Playset, go on vacation in Paris where they break up in a limited edition LEGO Eiffel Tower.




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Fantasy
A small 4x4 LEGO brick (Reeves) has to overcome his shortcomings and bring a small, yellow, magical one-circle clear LEGO piece to the top of a LEGO mountain. He must then set it on the tip of the mountain to seal off the evil spewing forth from the mountain. Features an equally wooden Mark Wahlberg as a swashbuckling, scruffy knight from a Knights Kingdom set, going up against a dragon from the Viking LEGO sets.

Terminator Variations: Coming to a cinema near you!

Terminator Devotion
In the middle of the war between Skynet and the Resistance, a T-1000 and a T-X meet on the battlefield. Despite the incompatibility of their motherboards, their wires cross and sparks fly. Rated R for excessive inter-changeable sex via morphing technology.

Terminator Revolutions
In a shocking twist, it turns out that Skynet has been using human beings as batteries, and Christian Bale's John Connor was merely part of a program. The REAL LIFE John Connor actually looks like Keanu Reeves, and the T-800 is not called Arnie, but Mr. Anderson.

Terminator Transformation
Directed by Michael Bay, this movie is set in an alternate reality where John Connor is played by Shia Lebeouf and is still a teenager. One day, a police car tries to run John down. The police car turns out to be a Transforming Terminator sent back by Skynet to kill John before he can destroy the All Spark that will power Skynet. Fortunately, his future self has also sent back in time a non-transforming T-X Terminator model that takes on the shape of Megan Fox and kicks the bad Terminator's ass and makes out with John Connor, giving him magical balls of steel.

Terminator Education
In an attempt to appeal to the pre-teen market, Zack Efron plays John Connor in high school, while Robert Pattison plays a T-1000 model sent back to make sure he never makes it into the high school basketball team; because that is where John meets his future wife and fellow resistance fighter - cheerleader Kate (played by Vanessa Hudgens). Features a cameo by Arnie as a kindergarden teacher.

Terminator Playstation
The year is 2009, and instead of Skynet, an evil Microsoft X-Box has become sentient and taken over human beings via hypnotic subliminal message transmitted through an evil variation of a hit video game called Guitar Hero: Rick Astley. John Connor is a video game genius who has to save the world by plugging into the system using a modified Sony Playstation and never giving it up, or letting it down.

Terminator Termination
Exactly the same as Terminator Salvation but with a variant ending where a T-1000 that looks like James Cameron comes on set and shoots McG in the head, Arnie rides in on a bike and rescues Moon Bloodgood by slinging her over his shoulder, and leaves Christian Bale's John Connor to the mercy of the T-1000.

Terminator Boredom
Skynet has won the war. The human race is completely wiped out. Watch as Skynet twiddles its virtual thumbs and wonders what to do next.