Watch Out!

The Watch.
Not a review.
Don't watch it.
Sekian.

HUARRRGH!!! KILL! GRWWAAOOOARRR!!!!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN!

NOT REVIEW!

RAWWWWR!!!!

HUAAARRRGHHHH!!!

GRRRAAAAHHH!!!!!

UURRRGGGHHH!!!!







MOMOA!

ROAAWWWWRR!!!

NO MORE ARNIE!!!

GRAAAAAAAWWRRR!

MOMOA GOOD!

MORE MOMOA!!!!

HHHUUAARRRGHHH!!!







STORY BAD!

UUURGH!

STUPID BAD GUY!!!

GRRRRR!!!!!

GRRROOOAARRR!!!!

NOT ENOUGH WENCHES!

GGRRRAAAAGGH!!!!

ARRRRRGHHHHHRRRHHHHH!







HUUUURRRRGGHH!!!!

BOOBS! MORE BOOBS!

NOOO! CENSORS!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!

CONAN WANT MORE BOOBS!

KILL CENSORS!!!

GRRRAAWWRRR!!!!







KILL! KILL KILL!!!

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!

STAB STAB STAB!

HUAAARGGH!!!!

SLASH SLASH SLASH!!!

MORE BLOOD! BLOOOOOD!!!!

GRRRAAAWWWAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

Can I Punch Zack Snyder For Making Me Feel Like a Sucker?

Sucker Punch.
Not a Review.
Boy, did I feel like a sucker after this movie.
And I also wanted to punch someone.
Preferably Zack Snyder.



Ok, first the good stuff.
Zombies!
Dragons!
Robots!
Giant Samurai Warriors with Gatling Guns!
BABES! BABES BABES!



Oooh boy, the Babes.
Collective Cleavage Rating = Off the Charts.
Collective Babe Rating = AWESOME.
My favorite is probably Jamie Chung's Amber
Even though she was a little annoying.
But at least she was hot.
Hey, Asians rule, ok?



But the babes aside.... Er.......
Remember The Spirit?
That movie with all those hot babes,
But which turned out to be a really crappy imitation of Sin City?
This is something like that.
The effects are impressive.
But the story is bodoh gile.



Something about these girls stuck in an asylum.
Then this one girl starts to fantasise,
(No not THOSE kind of fantasies. I wish)
First she fantasies about being a dancer.
Then in THAT fantasy, she fantasies some more,
About being a kickass warrior with a samurai sword and guns.
It's like Inception with more hot babes,
But with fantasies that don't make sense whatsoever.



Wahlau Zack,
After 300, then Watchmen,
You come up with THIS?
How to trust you with Superman lar!
I know you aren't exactly the best writer in the business,
But really, this was just silly.
Stick to stuff that other people write, thank you very much.
And stop making us all feel like suckers!

M. Night Shyamalan Must Die For Crimes Against Awesome Cartoons

The Last Airbender.
Not a review.
Oh, this isn't THAT bad.
Just ignore the bad dialogue,
Ignore the silly plot,
Ignore the lousy acting,
Ignore the disjointed flow,
Ignore the humourless tone...
Oh who am I kidding?
Just ignore the whole bloody movie.



WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ATROCITY???
WHERE IS THE JOY, THE FUN,
THE HUMOUR, THE ADVENTURE,
THE INNOCENCE AND THE INVENTIVENESS?
EVERYTHING THAT MADE THE CARTOON SO AWESOME!
Where is it, M. NIGHT SUCKMALAN!!??!!??



I REALLY wanted to like it.
It's M. Night Shyamalan.
(Whom I'd been defending all this while, even after The Happening)
And it's AVATAR, one of my favorite cartoons EVER.
HOW could he get it so so wrong?
HOW could he COMPLETELY miss the point by SO MUCH?
It's a CARTOON for gods sake.
His kids should be ASHAMED of him for ruining their cartoon!



Even if you never watched the cartoon,
This is still one horrendously bad movie.
I think the fact that I loved the cartoon made it even WORSE.
He tried to cram 20 episodes of awesome,
All into a measly two-hour movie.
It's SO SO BAD,
That I had to go home and watch the cartoon again,
Just to cleanse my mind of the memory of this farce.



All the awesome stuff in the cartoon... WASTED.
Appa, Momo, Bumi, Iroh... all awesome in the cartoon.
All WASTED by Suckmalan's vampiric humour sucking ability.
Even Sokka, the comedy relief in the cartoon,
Is turned into some BLOODY TWILIGHT BROODING FAGGOT
He doesn't even crack a SINGLE JOKE for fucks sake.
Heck I don't think anyone even SMILED the entire movie.



And the fighting?
It's like it was made by an angmoh who opened a fortune cookie,
And saw the words 'KUNGFU' inside it.
Ok the kid can fight,
But goddamn you suck at making fight scenes, Suckmalan.
Heck, I'm not sure you even know how to make a proper movie anymore.



Seriously people,
DON'T BOTHER SPENDING MONEY ON THIS MOVIE.
Take your hard-earned money,
And go buy the DVD for the series.
Yes, ALL THREE AWESOME SEASONS of the cartoon.
At least THAT won't be a bloody waste of your money and time.

Crash of the Titans: Percy Jackson Would Kick Sammy Worthington's Ass

Clash of the Titans.
Not a review.
More like CRASH of the Titans if you ask me.
PERCY JACKSON was more entertaining than this shit.
And that was a KIDS MOVIE FER ZEUS' SAKE.
Reminds me of SCORPION KING.
(And not just because there are scorpions here)
Which is not a good sign, mind you.
At least Scorpion King had a hotter pointless tagalong chick.



C;mon man, it's PERSEUS.
One of the greatest ass-kickers in Greek mythology.
The story is ALREADY THERE and ALREADY KICKS ASS.
So why is the movie so bloody BORING?
Like, nothing happens in the first TWENTY MINUTES.
TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK BLA BLA BLA.
Go KICK SOME MONSTER ASS already!



Oooh look, it's the Power Ranger Gods of Olympus.
Their armor so SHINY SPARKLY PWETTY!
Like SUPERHERO COSTUMES!
What's this becoming, Clash of the TEEN Titans?
Man, the Hades is soooo.... dumb.
And Zeus... er... Sorry Liam, but Sean Bean was a better Zeus.
Even the Olympian council room in Percy Jackson was better.



Ok, Medusa was awesome.
Damn cool ok.
Better than Uma Thurman's
In fact, I REALLY wanted her to kick Perseus's ass.
The CGI a bit dodgy though.
But at least Medusa KICKED SOME WUSSY GREEK ASS.
Or rather, TURNED SOME GREEK ASSES INTO STONE!



Ooh, and I also liked that Pegasus.
Horses with wings always kickass.
At least ONE of the other creatures/monsters were ok.
Charon was disappointing though.
The scorpions were... well, scorpions.
The Stygian witches... UGLY.



Oh, and there were some djinn.
That's right.... DJINN.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THERE DJINN FOR?????
They were completely USELESS.
And why do they have a Terminator-style bomb in their chest?
WTF!!!???!!!???
And speaking of pointlessness,
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT IO CHICK THERE FOR?



Ok she's hot, but no cleavage rating also BAH.
Completely pointless character.
She's been alive for centuries,
She's been WATCHING over him since he was a baby,
So she's gotta be like his GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT
GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT Grandma's age.
And in the end they couple couple?
EEEWWWWWWWW.



Oh, BTW, that's the Kraken.
Yes, tha' sock puppet over there.
The so-called destroyer of the Titans.
Looks like a mean COOKIE MONSTER.
Without the googly eyes.
I bet the Cloverfield monster would KICK ITS ASS.
I think I'll go watch the classic movie.
Stop motion animation always kicks ass...

I Survived The Scariest Movie of 2009.....

New Moon
Not a review.
Wanted to stab my eyes out with a pen.
Using the BLUNT point.
OMG screaming tween girls.
OMG OMG OMG OMG.
OMG OMG OMG OMG
Stop screaming already.
Someday when you grow up,
You girls will look back at this movie,
And wonder why the heck you loved it so much.
Me, I had LOADS of fun... (in between stabbing my eyes)
Most fun I've had laughing and poking fun AT a movie since....
Oh. Since Twilight. LOL



Anyway, on to the movie.
Does ANYTHING ever happen in this movie?
All they ever seem to do is mope
sulk, mope, sulk, mope, sulk,
Stare into each other's eyes lovery dovey,
and say stupid, meaningless things.
Speaking of dialogue,
How DO they say those lines with a straight face?
How can you say something like 'Let's go watch Face Punch'"
And NOT burst out laughing at how absurd it sounds?
And OMG, those horrible conversations.
They make Episode II's infamous 'Sand' lines sound like Shakespeare.
If you think about it, they essentially say the same things,
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.



And what the fuck is this.
One chick, one half-naked guy, one bedroom...
And all they did was TALK????
And so bias, WTF.
All the guys take off their shirts.
There's what, ONE lead female,
And we never even see a hint of cleavage?
(that said, that Alice chick has some groovy cleavage going on.)
She even goes swimming FULLY CLOTHED WTF.
But she does a MEgan Fox run in the end though.
Slow-mo and all.... but not as bouncy.



The Volturi were great though.
I'd watch a whole movie of them.
As long as there is no WolfBoyloveMopeyGirllovePaleBoy shit around.
Oooh, a jibe at zombie movies, so crever!
Mopey Girl should just go out with a zombie in the next movie
At least zombies won't leave her to 'protect' her.
And just eat her brains instead...
You know, for her protection.
Oh, and I have a theory on why Pale Boy was so reluctant,
And asked Mopey Girl to wait five years.
Maybe he wants her to grow a bit older,
So her boobs will grow bigger first,
And THEN only make her immortal.
LOL.



Huh? Edward? Jacob? Who're those people?

Terminate That Salivating Fool of a Director!

Terminator Salvation.
Not a Review.
HEY YOU!
YEAH YOU OVER THERE!
YES YOU, McG!
WHAT THE F**K IS THIS!!
You ruined the FRANCHISE, you AMATEUR!
What happened to 'giving it what it's worth'?
What happened to 'if its a R, then it's a R'!
Bluff people wan!



SALVATION?
You call THIS Salvation?
It should be fucking called SALIVATION
Because you DROOLED all over it,
And walked ladidadida all over it
And completely RUINED it!
This ain't the Terminator!
It's some mindless action movie PRETENDING to be part of the franchise.
Even though T3 was crap, it had an awesome twist in the end!



And you, Mr. Bale!
What were you THINKING?
Why the FUCK does your John Connor sound like Batman?
Not even Bruce Wayne, mind you.
FUCKING GUTTURAL PERMANENT SORE THROAT VOICED BATMAN.
Even that LIGHTING guy sounds better than that!



Oh, but good call on that Moon Bloodgood chick
How hot is she, huh?
How cool is her name, huh?
So many Os.
I'd like to give HER multiple O's as well.
Hur hur hur.
Too bad about Bryce though.
Bloody waste of a perfectly hot actress.



This should be called Terminator Boredom instead.
Because it was so MEH. And so BLAH.
And after the movie you can't even remember WTF happened.
Even though it was crap, at least T3 had a hot T-X,
With adjustable boobs, FTW!
McG's Terminators were just BORING.
Boring, overkill, idealess.
And so fucking easy to kill wan...
BAH! McG MUST DIE!



CLICK HERE The Complete List Of Eyeris' Movie Not-Reviews!