HUARRRGH!!! KILL! GRWWAAOOOARRR!!!!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN!

NOT REVIEW!

RAWWWWR!!!!

HUAAARRRGHHHH!!!

GRRRAAAAHHH!!!!!

UURRRGGGHHH!!!!







MOMOA!

ROAAWWWWRR!!!

NO MORE ARNIE!!!

GRAAAAAAAWWRRR!

MOMOA GOOD!

MORE MOMOA!!!!

HHHUUAARRRGHHH!!!







STORY BAD!

UUURGH!

STUPID BAD GUY!!!

GRRRRR!!!!!

GRRROOOAARRR!!!!

NOT ENOUGH WENCHES!

GGRRRAAAAGGH!!!!

ARRRRRGHHHHHRRRHHHHH!







HUUUURRRRGGHH!!!!

BOOBS! MORE BOOBS!

NOOO! CENSORS!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!

CONAN WANT MORE BOOBS!

KILL CENSORS!!!

GRRRAAWWRRR!!!!







KILL! KILL KILL!!!

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!

STAB STAB STAB!

HUAAARGGH!!!!

SLASH SLASH SLASH!!!

MORE BLOOD! BLOOOOOD!!!!

GRRRAAAWWWAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

Can I Punch Zack Snyder For Making Me Feel Like a Sucker?

Sucker Punch.
Not a Review.
Boy, did I feel like a sucker after this movie.
And I also wanted to punch someone.
Preferably Zack Snyder.



Ok, first the good stuff.
Zombies!
Dragons!
Robots!
Giant Samurai Warriors with Gatling Guns!
BABES! BABES BABES!



Oooh boy, the Babes.
Collective Cleavage Rating = Off the Charts.
Collective Babe Rating = AWESOME.
My favorite is probably Jamie Chung's Amber
Even though she was a little annoying.
But at least she was hot.
Hey, Asians rule, ok?



But the babes aside.... Er.......
Remember The Spirit?
That movie with all those hot babes,
But which turned out to be a really crappy imitation of Sin City?
This is something like that.
The effects are impressive.
But the story is bodoh gile.



Something about these girls stuck in an asylum.
Then this one girl starts to fantasise,
(No not THOSE kind of fantasies. I wish)
First she fantasies about being a dancer.
Then in THAT fantasy, she fantasies some more,
About being a kickass warrior with a samurai sword and guns.
It's like Inception with more hot babes,
But with fantasies that don't make sense whatsoever.



Wahlau Zack,
After 300, then Watchmen,
You come up with THIS?
How to trust you with Superman lar!
I know you aren't exactly the best writer in the business,
But really, this was just silly.
Stick to stuff that other people write, thank you very much.
And stop making us all feel like suckers!

I Survived The Scariest Movie of 2009.....

New Moon
Not a review.
Wanted to stab my eyes out with a pen.
Using the BLUNT point.
OMG screaming tween girls.
OMG OMG OMG OMG.
OMG OMG OMG OMG
Stop screaming already.
Someday when you grow up,
You girls will look back at this movie,
And wonder why the heck you loved it so much.
Me, I had LOADS of fun... (in between stabbing my eyes)
Most fun I've had laughing and poking fun AT a movie since....
Oh. Since Twilight. LOL



Anyway, on to the movie.
Does ANYTHING ever happen in this movie?
All they ever seem to do is mope
sulk, mope, sulk, mope, sulk,
Stare into each other's eyes lovery dovey,
and say stupid, meaningless things.
Speaking of dialogue,
How DO they say those lines with a straight face?
How can you say something like 'Let's go watch Face Punch'"
And NOT burst out laughing at how absurd it sounds?
And OMG, those horrible conversations.
They make Episode II's infamous 'Sand' lines sound like Shakespeare.
If you think about it, they essentially say the same things,
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.



And what the fuck is this.
One chick, one half-naked guy, one bedroom...
And all they did was TALK????
And so bias, WTF.
All the guys take off their shirts.
There's what, ONE lead female,
And we never even see a hint of cleavage?
(that said, that Alice chick has some groovy cleavage going on.)
She even goes swimming FULLY CLOTHED WTF.
But she does a MEgan Fox run in the end though.
Slow-mo and all.... but not as bouncy.



The Volturi were great though.
I'd watch a whole movie of them.
As long as there is no WolfBoyloveMopeyGirllovePaleBoy shit around.
Oooh, a jibe at zombie movies, so crever!
Mopey Girl should just go out with a zombie in the next movie
At least zombies won't leave her to 'protect' her.
And just eat her brains instead...
You know, for her protection.
Oh, and I have a theory on why Pale Boy was so reluctant,
And asked Mopey Girl to wait five years.
Maybe he wants her to grow a bit older,
So her boobs will grow bigger first,
And THEN only make her immortal.
LOL.



Huh? Edward? Jacob? Who're those people?

GI Joe = BIG, DUMB, LOUD. Like Transformers 2 Without The Giant Robots.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
Not a review.
ACTION!
EXPLOSIONS!
HOT BABES!
LOUSY DIALOGUE!
LOUD NOISES!
CRAPPY STORY!
It's like Transformers 2,
But without the giant robots.



Then again, it also seems like Team America.
Without the wooden puppet sex.
And with much better kungfu moves.
(which is ironic since GI Joe WERE toys in the first place)
AMERICANS BLOWING UP PARIS!
THE EIFFEL TOWER COLLAPSING!
Though I have to say the villains were better in Team America.
Destro's Scottish accent is excruciatingly comical.
And Cobra Commander's mask looks like something from MASK.
(Come to think of it, so do all the vehicles....)



Heck, the movie felt like a series of music videos,
Or a series of action sequences cobbled together.
It was BAM! warhead raid!
BAM! The Pit attack!
BAM! Eiffel Tower chase!
BAM! Dumbass TF-ripoff accelerator suits!
BAM! Underwater battle!
Story? Eh? What's that?



Most of the cast were ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes were cool though.
Snake Eyes especially.
Ray Park rocks!
And they just HAD to get Lee Byung Hun's shirt off huh?
(A few aunties at the screening actually squealed. SQUEALED.)
Too bad it wasn't Sienna or Rachel who got their kit off though siiiigh.



Practically the only thing I remember clearly is the babes.
Baronness was HOT in leather.
Cleavage rating 7.
In real life Sienna Miller not really that hot.
But in the movie she was SMOKIN'.
Black leather, glasses, two smokin' guns.
Hubba Hubba Joe!



I didn't think I'd like Scarlett though.
Until I saw Rachel Nichols in real life.
Oh boy is she HOT.
And she's pretty hot in the movie as well.
Even though she's a bit underused.
But seriously... Scarlett and Ripcord?
Talk about a mismatch.
Didn't she have the hots for Snake Eyes in the comic/cartoon?



Other than the babes and arguably Snake Eyes,
I don't remember anything else from the movie.
Except a lot of explosions, loud noises, some dodgy CGI,
Lousy dialog, corny accents, silly story...
It's mindless fun, lots of action, but not much else.
At least Transformers 2 had GIANT ROBOTS.
Without those GIANT ROBOTS,
You get GI Joe.
Yo Joe? Bah.
More like Meh JOE.
I'd rather go watch Transformers 2 again.
At least THEY have GIANT ROBOTS.