Love The Law, Not Dredd It.

Dredd.
Not A Review.
JUDGEMENT: NOT DREDD-FULL
JUDGE DREDD IS BACK.
LOOK OUT, MEGA-CITY ONE.
LOVE THE LAW, NOT DREDD IT.
Love Dredd, for HE IS THE LAW.



Now THIS is a Judge Dredd movie.
Not like that stupid Stallone movie,
Which was corny as hell,
And committed the ULTIMATE SACRILEGE.
DREDD DOES NOT TAKE OFF HIS HELMET OMG.



EAT YOUR HEART OUT, SYLVESTOR STALLONE.
Karl Urban's Dredd ROCKS.
KARL URBAN IS DREDD.
And he didn't even have to take off his helmet.
His CHIN acted better than Stallone.
Heck, he deserves the Time MAgazine award,
for CHIN OF THE YEAR.



Oooh, that blonde chick is pretty hot.
Ok, she's all suited up in armour,
So no cleavage rating.
But THOSE EYES.
Look AT THOSE EYES.
(And don't let her read your mind).



WHOA Lena Headey.
WHAT did they do to your FACE?
Was it the damn Greyjoys? Or the Freys?
Or was it those damn T800s?
Whatever, you are one scary bitch.



GREAT action.
Makes Expendables look like child's play.
Ok, maybe not,
But the action here was certainly a lot grittier,
And the violence was a lot more graphic too.
And there aren't as many wrinkles or saggy biceps.



Oooooh SLOW-MO...
PREEETTTYYYYY.
And in THREEE DEEEEEE...
Too bad it ain't in IMAX.
Sigh...
Oh well, at least the action is solid.
Story? What story?
GO WATCH IT.
OR THE LAW WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

I Demand Retribution.

Resident Evil: Retribution.
Not a review.
I demand retribution.
For all the time wasted watching this.
WHY WON'T THIS FRANCHISE DIE ALREADY????
It's like a bloody zombie that just won't stay down OMG.



Anyway,
Wow, Milla is as gorgeous as ever.
I saw her in Comic Con once,
And she is just as hot in real life.
She's probably the only good thing in the movie.
You could look at her all day and not get bored.
BTW, does she have an anti-blood shield on her face?
With all that blood flying around,
How is it she doesn't get A SINGLE DROP on her perfect porcelain face?



Oooh, Li Bing Bing as Ada Wong.
HOT.
More kayu than Keanu Reeves,
But still damn hot.
BTW how does she do ALL THAT in THAT DRESS?
And WHERE THE HELL does she keep her guns?
Does she have a magic Doraemon pocket somehwere in her bra?



Jill Valentine.
OMG SO CORNY. SO WOODEN.
I know she's supposed to be robotic and brainwashed,
BUT OMG MAKE IT LOOK CONVINCING LAR.
Michelle Rodriquez was ok though.
Didn't do much, but at least she TRIED.
AND SHE KICKS ASS. HARD.



And WTF WESKER.
Is that a REAL actor?
Are you SURE it's not CGI?
Or performance capture?
Because Andy Serkis in a leotard could act better than that.
You could replace Shawn Roberts with a KEN DOLL,
And We STILL wouldn't be able to tell the difference.



Story? WHAT STORY?
Yes, it's based on a video game.
But did you HAVE to make it EXACTLY like a Video game?
Got different levels, bosses on each level,
(What is LOTR's cave troll doing in here?)
And wah, even got "in-game map" to show you where you are!
Ok, it managed to make me wanna play the game,
Which would probably be a lot more entertaining, actually.



By the way,
I'd HATE to be the Janitor at Umbrella Coporation
Who cleans up the mess after each zombie "sequence".
Who has to turn on the lights in the morning.
Those things seem to take FOREVER to come on.
And EVERYTHING IS WHITE WTF,
So you can SEE EVERY SPOT OF DIRT OMG.



Ok lah, the action is pretty good.
Paul W.S. Anderson makes killing zombies LOOK GOOD.
And I LOVED that reversed slow-motion opening sequence.
And I never get tired of watching Milla in slo-mo,
KILLING zombies in slow-mo.
AWWWW YEAAAAH.

Awesome Axe, Mr. President

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Not A Review.
Abraham Lincoln? VAMPIRE HUNTER?
SERIOUSLY? What next?
George Washington: Werewolf Hunter?
Richard Nixon: Water Gatekeeper?
Barack Obama: Bush Whacker?



Come one, it's ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
One of the most iconic of US Presidents.
And he has an AWESOME AXE.
And KILLS VAMPIRES.
How cool is that?
A bit silly, sure, but DAMN COOL OK.



Oooh, it's directed by that Timur Berbawhatever guy
Who did Night Watch and Wanted.
Heck, this reminded me of Night Watch,
But with Abraham Lincoln instead of Russians.
It's a bit silly and over the top, sure,
But man does he make it look cool



Yes, that's an awesone axe, Mr. President.
And it's pretty damn cool how you use it.
Guns? HAH! Swords? So last century.
Nothing like an awesome AXE to make vampire hunting cool



I also like how they threw in the actual historical stuff,
I'm a sucker for that sorta thing.
Gettsyburg Address, Emancipation Proclamation, all there.
(Lots of "artistic license" though, but hey, that's Hollywood).
BTW, Abe is not a US president who happens to be a vampire hunter.
He is a vampire hunter who just happens to be a president.
There's a difference, ok?



I really like this Timur guy.
His action shit is damn awesome.
He makes vampire hunting look so damn cool,
THAT'S how you use slow-mo in action.
Eat your heart out, Paul W.S. Anderson!

HUARRRGH!!! KILL! GRWWAAOOOARRR!!!!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN!

NOT REVIEW!

RAWWWWR!!!!

HUAAARRRGHHHH!!!

GRRRAAAAHHH!!!!!

UURRRGGGHHH!!!!







MOMOA!

ROAAWWWWRR!!!

NO MORE ARNIE!!!

GRAAAAAAAWWRRR!

MOMOA GOOD!

MORE MOMOA!!!!

HHHUUAARRRGHHH!!!







STORY BAD!

UUURGH!

STUPID BAD GUY!!!

GRRRRR!!!!!

GRRROOOAARRR!!!!

NOT ENOUGH WENCHES!

GGRRRAAAAGGH!!!!

ARRRRRGHHHHHRRRHHHHH!







HUUUURRRRGGHH!!!!

BOOBS! MORE BOOBS!

NOOO! CENSORS!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!

CONAN WANT MORE BOOBS!

KILL CENSORS!!!

GRRRAAWWRRR!!!!







KILL! KILL KILL!!!

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!

STAB STAB STAB!

HUAAARGGH!!!!

SLASH SLASH SLASH!!!

MORE BLOOD! BLOOOOOD!!!!

GRRRAAAWWWAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

Priests, Please Pray For Paul's Career....

Priest.
Not a review.
Wah so religion-y.
Church this church that,
Cross this cross that,
Vampire this vampire that...
Oh wait.



Ok, it wasn't BAD.
But it wasn't really GOOD either.
It WAS really really meh.
I expected more out of this lor.
Especially after that stupid Legion.
This one was supposed to redeem Paul Bettany.
It's based on a Korean horror manga samore...



Wahlau, first Legion, now this,
Paul Bettany really needs to pray for his career.
Or at least work with other directors instead.
But at least this was much better than Legion.
Though that isn't saying much.



In Legion, we wanted LOTS OF ANGELS AND MACHINE GUNS
But all we got was ONE angel with guns and boring zombies.
Here, I was expecting LOTS OF FIGHTS WITH LOTS OF VAMPIRES
But don't have.
Haih.



Wah this Karl Urban is EVERYWHERE these days.
Star Trek lar, RED lar,
Priest lar,
Quite cool at first,
But after that a bit silly lor.



Maggie Q a bit wasted.
She didn't even get to air out her bikini.
Eh? Priest got no bikini?
If she's as hot as Maggie Q, why not?



Eh, why the vampire all so ugly wan,
Don't have sparkle sparkle also.
And why Chinese vampire all different wan?
Why the vampire hunters so violent wan?
Stick a piece of yellow paper on them mar enough lor...

Transformers 3 Trailer! Wooohoo!! OPTIMUS!

I don't care what anyone says about the last two movies, it's TRANSFORMERS and there is just nothing else like a combination of lots of awesome transforming robots AND a huge dose of nostalgia to go with it.

The trailer to the net one is out now, and boy oh boy, am I excited about it. What's not to get excited about? It's the TRANSFORMERS. You want an intellectually challenging movie, go watch something else! PFFFBTTTTT!

Anyway, the trailer starts on the dark side of the moon, where we're told that the 1960's space race was because of an 'event'.

Namely, a Decepticon ship crash-landing:

Ooooh, intriguing. Next, here come the Autobots!



Optimus Prime! Ratchett! Bumbleblee! Sieswipe! Ironhide! Whee!



Oooooh, Optimus is pissed off at the puny humans.... They've made a GRAAAAVE mistake...



Holy shit, is that a SPACE BRIDGE?



Look, it's woken up all them ugly, nameless, faceless Decepticons!



Holy Primus, what the slag is THAT???!!????



Oh noes! it IS a space bridge! We're under attack!!!!



WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!

(let's hope this doesn't degenerate into Battle: Chicago...)



That big ugly thing is in town! Run away!!!!



Even Bumblebee is worried...



...because SHOCKWAVE IS COMING!!! WOOHOO!!! Check out that BIG FUCKING GUN!



Never fear, Optimus Prime is here! Here's how you save the day, Optimus Prime style:



First, you nail the landing....



Then you whip out your Big Fucking Gun with one hand and start blasting away....



..... then, you swing your Big Fucking Sword with your OTHER hand...



... KAJOOOOMP!!!!! You STICK IT into them dirty Decepticon scum!



But that's not all, in the same movement, you swivel and your gun starts blasting away again...



....And with another rotation, HERE COMES THE SWORD AGAIN.....



.....KCHOOOOMPBIIIIBAAABOOOOMMMM!!!!!



WOOOHOOO OPTIMUS!!!!!

Oh no, here comes Laserbeak:



MORE WAR WAR WAR WAR WAR!!!!!!



Optimus Prime in less violent times, lecturing Sam (as usual):



HOLY MOTHER OF UNICRON... WHATDAFUCK IS THAT??!!?????



IT NOM UP A WHOLE BUILDING! Makes Devastator look like a big baby!

Now THAT'S what I call a kickass trailer! The only way it could have been better was if Megan Fox was in there showing some cleavage again, but unfortunately, this time is that new chick and she didn't seem very hot in the trailer... SIGH.

Anyway, to watch the trailer, CLICK THE LOGO BELOW!