Just Pretend Revenge Of The Fallen Never Happened

Transformers: Dark of The Moon
Not A Review.
HOLY SHIT.
That was my reaction after the movie.
HOLY AWESOME SHIT.
HOLY FUCKING AWESOME SHIT.
Now THAT is what I call a Transformers movie!



Forget the second movie.
No really, pretend it never existed,
Pretend that we never had to endure those stupid twins,
That horrible script and those dumb robot balls.
Because THIS is the sequel we TRULY DESERVE.
THIS should have been the sequel to Transformers.
Not that bloody Revenge of The Fallen crap.



SHOCKWAVE! More devastating than Devastator!
SOUNDWAVE! No longer a useless satellite!
LASERBEAK! No longer an obsolete cassette!
MEGATRON! Robot-kutu-infested!
STARSCREAM! Still chicken shit as ever!



OPTIMUS PRIME! Now with awesome TRAILER!
SENTINEL PRIME! Spock-tastic! Galvatronising!
THE WRECKERS! WRECKING!
SIDESWIPE! IRONHIDE! Now with more things to do!
DINO! NOT A DINOBOT!
Bumblebee! Er.. still there!
Jolt! Pointless!



Seriously, even the plot kinda ignores ROTF.
So many plot holes.
But it all makes sense IF you pretend ROTF never happened.
Which for me was pretty easy.
Not for Jasonmumbles, who watched it like 11 times.
LOL.



No more Megan Fox (sob sob)
But there's Rosie.
Well, she ain't Megan,
But oh yeah, she's hot.
First thing you see is her awesome er... behind.
BEST. USE. OF. 3D. EVER.
Cleavage rating 8.
Acting rating: 2.5.



Didya notice how all the pictures here have no guys?
It's all just robots and babes.
Because that's all that matters, really. Heh heh.
Shia? Josh? Tyrese? Same old same old.
The parents are still damn annoying and pointless.
John Turtorro is less annoying & surprisingly competent.
And thank god that annoying douchebag from ROTF is gone.



BTW, the 3D's pretty good too.
Still a bit too long though.
Should have kicked out the parents.
John Malkovich and Ken Jeong were pointless and annoying too.
But holy slag, Laserbeak is great.
Kicks Ravage's ass anytime.
But there is LOADS of action in the end,
And LOTS of robot-on-robot fights.
Now THAT'S what a Transformers movie is all about!



I actually watched this LAST WEEK.
You have no idea how torturing it is to keep my mouth shut.
I mean, what's the point of watching it so early,
ONE WEEK BEFORE THE ENTIRE WORLD,
And not being able to gloat about it?
Especially since this was AWESOME?
GAAAAAH!



(BTW, is this the first review of the movie in Malaysia?)
(I know it's the first NOT A review in the WORLD. Hehe.)

Transformers 3 Trailer! Wooohoo!! OPTIMUS!

I don't care what anyone says about the last two movies, it's TRANSFORMERS and there is just nothing else like a combination of lots of awesome transforming robots AND a huge dose of nostalgia to go with it.

The trailer to the net one is out now, and boy oh boy, am I excited about it. What's not to get excited about? It's the TRANSFORMERS. You want an intellectually challenging movie, go watch something else! PFFFBTTTTT!

Anyway, the trailer starts on the dark side of the moon, where we're told that the 1960's space race was because of an 'event'.

Namely, a Decepticon ship crash-landing:

Ooooh, intriguing. Next, here come the Autobots!



Optimus Prime! Ratchett! Bumbleblee! Sieswipe! Ironhide! Whee!



Oooooh, Optimus is pissed off at the puny humans.... They've made a GRAAAAVE mistake...



Holy shit, is that a SPACE BRIDGE?



Look, it's woken up all them ugly, nameless, faceless Decepticons!



Holy Primus, what the slag is THAT???!!????



Oh noes! it IS a space bridge! We're under attack!!!!



WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!

(let's hope this doesn't degenerate into Battle: Chicago...)



That big ugly thing is in town! Run away!!!!



Even Bumblebee is worried...



...because SHOCKWAVE IS COMING!!! WOOHOO!!! Check out that BIG FUCKING GUN!



Never fear, Optimus Prime is here! Here's how you save the day, Optimus Prime style:



First, you nail the landing....



Then you whip out your Big Fucking Gun with one hand and start blasting away....



..... then, you swing your Big Fucking Sword with your OTHER hand...



... KAJOOOOMP!!!!! You STICK IT into them dirty Decepticon scum!



But that's not all, in the same movement, you swivel and your gun starts blasting away again...



....And with another rotation, HERE COMES THE SWORD AGAIN.....



.....KCHOOOOMPBIIIIBAAABOOOOMMMM!!!!!



WOOOHOOO OPTIMUS!!!!!

Oh no, here comes Laserbeak:



MORE WAR WAR WAR WAR WAR!!!!!!



Optimus Prime in less violent times, lecturing Sam (as usual):



HOLY MOTHER OF UNICRON... WHATDAFUCK IS THAT??!!?????



IT NOM UP A WHOLE BUILDING! Makes Devastator look like a big baby!

Now THAT'S what I call a kickass trailer! The only way it could have been better was if Megan Fox was in there showing some cleavage again, but unfortunately, this time is that new chick and she didn't seem very hot in the trailer... SIGH.

Anyway, to watch the trailer, CLICK THE LOGO BELOW!

Autobuns, Swiss Roll Out!

THIS has got to be the dumbest exploitation of poor old Optimus EVER.

Seriously, people. Give the bot some dignity, will ya? It's bad enough he was turned into a Michael Bay character (and had to say dumb shit like GIVE ME YOUR FACE), Mickey Mouse, a Mr. Potatohead, and space comet turd. Now you've turned him into Optimus Breadstick?

And your caption... TRANSFORM THE WAY YOU SEE BREAD. Wow, how original, did you come up wth that all by yourself, Bread Story? And what's that all over him... is that CHICKEN FLOSS? EWWWWWW.

In case you were wondering, I saw this in Singapore, and was so appalled that I just HAD to take a picture of it. Sigh... poor old Optimus...

How to defend the new Transformers movie: An expert guide

Sure, the Transformers sequel ain't perfect. But I still love it. After the second time, I'd already learned to tune out during the boring bits and just focus on the bots and boobs on show without giving the story or dialogue too much thought.

Anyway, I've still been getting a lot of people coming up to me complaining that the movie is stupid and giving me stick for giving it four stars in my review. And the critics have been slamming it left right center (IMHO, I think all those critics are missing the point. But that's another story...). But that's not stopping it from grossing over USD200 million (and >USD400 million worldwide) in its FIRST WEEKEND.

Inevitably most of the grouses were about the stupid story, the bad dialog, and Megan Fox (funnily enough, most of these were from the girls... I wonder why...)

But fear not! For I've compiled a list of ready made answers for the FAQs I get all the time. So, if you are a fan of the new movie and are getting stick for loving it, fear not! just use these answers in your argument and make THE OTHER PERSON feel bad for NOT loving it! LOL

What did you think of the movie?
I think it is exactly like the first movie, minus the novelty factor, and with EVERYTHING amplified. The GOOD parts (robots, transforming, Megan) are bigger and better and there are more cool robots; but at the same time, the LOUSY parts (annoying characters, lousy dialogue and stupid plot) are also worse, and there are more annoying characters (the Twins, Agent Simmons, that annoying Leo, the parents).

But the movie is so DUMB, and the story doesn't make sense! (from a colleague)
Well DUH. OF COURSE it's dumb and silly, it's based on a line of TOYS and directed by MICHAEL BAY, for gods sake. It's not meant to be ANALYZED. Just sit back and enjoy the mayhem.

The characters are so annoying!
OK, I have no defense for this one, because the characters ARE annoying, even some of the bots (I kept wishing the twins would get stomped by Devastator). And that Leo Spitz dumbass is so annoying that even the original Transformers Annoying Guy - Agent Simmons - couldn't stand him. And can you believe Bay wants to give him a BIGGER ROLE in TF3? *shudder*

How can you love such a stupid movie?
See, this is called 'managing expectations'. If you went in, like me, expecting a stupid, mindless action-packed movie with lots of cool giant robots, then you'd love it. If you expected good story, Oscar winning acting and thought provoking dialogue... then you're watching the wrong movie, right?

I can't tell one robot from another!
To tell the truth, neither could I, especially the Decepticons. That's because there were so many of them, including 'clones' of the Constructicons who were supposed to be in Devastator... But at least we could still tell ones that mattered (Prime! Bumblebee! Jetfire! Starscream!) apart from the usual cannon fodder.

There's not enough time for the human characters! I want more Shia/Josh!
Who cares? Bay can kill ALL of them off and have just Megan Fox and the Transformers alone in the third movie for all I care...

Megan Fox is so unnecessary! She does nothing but flaunt her sexiness! (from Fireangel)
er.... your point is?

Megan Fox is so boring! (from Suanie)
Er.... her being boring is the least of our concerns for Her Foxiness lor...

Megan Fox's slo-mo scene is so uncalled for! (from a male colleague)
What are you, gay?

MORE MORE MORE MORE THAN MEETS THE FIRST MOVIE!!!!

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.
Not a review.
Otherwise known as Farmstoners: ROTF (LOL)
Sorry, inside joke.
Saw it later than I would like,
But still earlier than everyone else!
(Until tonight, that is, at the Nuffnang thingy)
(But then, tonight I'd have watched it TWICE oledi MUAHAHA!)
Is it worth watching THAT many times?
Oh hell yeah.



IT'S BIGGER!
IT'S BETTER!
IT'S BOT-IER!
IT'S BATTIER!
IT'S BANGBAMBIFFBOOM-IER!
IT'S BAYHEM-IER!



MORE EXPLOSIONS!
MORE ROBOTS!
MORE EXCITEMENT!
MORE BOT-ON-BOT ACTION!
MORE TRANSFORMATIONS!
MORE BOT ON BOT ACTION!



MORE DECEPTICONS!
MORE AUTOBOTS!
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME!
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME SWORDS! (WOOHOO!)
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME KICKING ASS! (WOOHOO!)
MORE (AND MORE) OPTIMUS PRIME! (KICKASS!)
MORE STARSCREAM DISAPPOINTING MEGATRON!



JETFIRE! (SR-71 BLACKBIRD WTF!)
SIDESWIPE! (Oh yeah, he's GOOOD)
IRONHIDE! (KICK BUTT!)
SOUNDWAVE! (Oooh, creepy)
ARCEE! (Errr.. okaaay)
SKIDS AND MUDFLAP! (Er.. nnoying!!!!)
DEVASTATOR! (er... that's it?)
WHEELIE! (WOO..ho.. er... bleh).



MORE MEGAN FOX! (WOOHOO!)
MORE CLEAVAGE! (Cleavage rating: 9.5, with added bouncing bonus!)
MORE SHIA LEBEOUF! (ERR.. NOT SO WOOHOO!)
MORE AGENT SIMMONS (Kill him off already)
MORE ANNOYING HUMAN CHARACTERS! (Kill them ALL off already)
MORE HUMAN THAN MEETS THE EYE!
MORE TERMINATOR THAN TERMINATOR!



MORE COOL CARS!
MORE UGLY ROBOTS!
MORE INDISINGUISAHABLT ROBOTS!
MORE METALLIC MAYHEM!
MORE LOUSY DIALOG!
MORE ANNOYING CHARACTERS!



Yes, this movie IS MORE than than meets the last one,
It's got more EVERYTHING,
MORE good parts,
MORE bad parts,
MORE budget to spend,
MORE time in the cinema,
MORE Megan Fox (always a good thing)
MORE cool cars (VERY cool indeed)
MORE annoying characters and lousy dialogue,
MORE robots and transformations,
and MORE great moments than the first one.
Yup, I think I'm even gonna watch it MORE than the first one.
ROLL OUT! YEAH!

Transformers Week on EoE: The Obligatory Week Closing Freewriting Ramble

Some Transformers week this has turned out to be. been too lazy to play around with the camera/toys, and been too busy playing Grim Fandango and Full Throttle to care. I AM looking forward to the movie though, though unfortunately unlike the last one where I got to watch the movie WEEKS before the REST OF THE WORLD did (my colleague went for the junket this time boohoo), this time I'll have to slum it with the mere mortals and go watch it a mere 3 days before it opens. Bah. On the plus side, if it all turns out well, I'll ALSO be watching it 2 days, and one day before it opens, which basically means by the time it opens on the 25th, I'd have already watched it three times.... LOL.

As for the toys, I've got a couple of them, but unlike the last time when I basically went berserk trying to get ALL the toys, this time I've limited myself to the really good ones only. No money mar, and the new toys aren't that great either. But the Leader-class Optimus Prime is AWESOME though. And the Sideswipe and Sideways toys. And of course, I MUST HAVE that Leader-class JETFIRE which transforms into a BLACK BIRD SR-71 for Pete's sake!

So what am I looking forward to in this movie? Lots - Devastator, Optimus Prime with two swords, Sideswipe, etc etc.



Oh, and Megan of course. *drool drool drooooool*