How to defend the new Transformers movie: An expert guide

Sure, the Transformers sequel ain't perfect. But I still love it. After the second time, I'd already learned to tune out during the boring bits and just focus on the bots and boobs on show without giving the story or dialogue too much thought.

Anyway, I've still been getting a lot of people coming up to me complaining that the movie is stupid and giving me stick for giving it four stars in my review. And the critics have been slamming it left right center (IMHO, I think all those critics are missing the point. But that's another story...). But that's not stopping it from grossing over USD200 million (and >USD400 million worldwide) in its FIRST WEEKEND.

Inevitably most of the grouses were about the stupid story, the bad dialog, and Megan Fox (funnily enough, most of these were from the girls... I wonder why...)

But fear not! For I've compiled a list of ready made answers for the FAQs I get all the time. So, if you are a fan of the new movie and are getting stick for loving it, fear not! just use these answers in your argument and make THE OTHER PERSON feel bad for NOT loving it! LOL

What did you think of the movie?
I think it is exactly like the first movie, minus the novelty factor, and with EVERYTHING amplified. The GOOD parts (robots, transforming, Megan) are bigger and better and there are more cool robots; but at the same time, the LOUSY parts (annoying characters, lousy dialogue and stupid plot) are also worse, and there are more annoying characters (the Twins, Agent Simmons, that annoying Leo, the parents).

But the movie is so DUMB, and the story doesn't make sense! (from a colleague)
Well DUH. OF COURSE it's dumb and silly, it's based on a line of TOYS and directed by MICHAEL BAY, for gods sake. It's not meant to be ANALYZED. Just sit back and enjoy the mayhem.

The characters are so annoying!
OK, I have no defense for this one, because the characters ARE annoying, even some of the bots (I kept wishing the twins would get stomped by Devastator). And that Leo Spitz dumbass is so annoying that even the original Transformers Annoying Guy - Agent Simmons - couldn't stand him. And can you believe Bay wants to give him a BIGGER ROLE in TF3? *shudder*

How can you love such a stupid movie?
See, this is called 'managing expectations'. If you went in, like me, expecting a stupid, mindless action-packed movie with lots of cool giant robots, then you'd love it. If you expected good story, Oscar winning acting and thought provoking dialogue... then you're watching the wrong movie, right?

I can't tell one robot from another!
To tell the truth, neither could I, especially the Decepticons. That's because there were so many of them, including 'clones' of the Constructicons who were supposed to be in Devastator... But at least we could still tell ones that mattered (Prime! Bumblebee! Jetfire! Starscream!) apart from the usual cannon fodder.

There's not enough time for the human characters! I want more Shia/Josh!
Who cares? Bay can kill ALL of them off and have just Megan Fox and the Transformers alone in the third movie for all I care...

Megan Fox is so unnecessary! She does nothing but flaunt her sexiness! (from Fireangel)
er.... your point is?

Megan Fox is so boring! (from Suanie)
Er.... her being boring is the least of our concerns for Her Foxiness lor...

Megan Fox's slo-mo scene is so uncalled for! (from a male colleague)
What are you, gay?

MORE MORE MORE MORE THAN MEETS THE FIRST MOVIE!!!!

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.
Not a review.
Otherwise known as Farmstoners: ROTF (LOL)
Sorry, inside joke.
Saw it later than I would like,
But still earlier than everyone else!
(Until tonight, that is, at the Nuffnang thingy)
(But then, tonight I'd have watched it TWICE oledi MUAHAHA!)
Is it worth watching THAT many times?
Oh hell yeah.



IT'S BIGGER!
IT'S BETTER!
IT'S BOT-IER!
IT'S BATTIER!
IT'S BANGBAMBIFFBOOM-IER!
IT'S BAYHEM-IER!



MORE EXPLOSIONS!
MORE ROBOTS!
MORE EXCITEMENT!
MORE BOT-ON-BOT ACTION!
MORE TRANSFORMATIONS!
MORE BOT ON BOT ACTION!



MORE DECEPTICONS!
MORE AUTOBOTS!
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME!
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME SWORDS! (WOOHOO!)
MORE OPTIMUS PRIME KICKING ASS! (WOOHOO!)
MORE (AND MORE) OPTIMUS PRIME! (KICKASS!)
MORE STARSCREAM DISAPPOINTING MEGATRON!



JETFIRE! (SR-71 BLACKBIRD WTF!)
SIDESWIPE! (Oh yeah, he's GOOOD)
IRONHIDE! (KICK BUTT!)
SOUNDWAVE! (Oooh, creepy)
ARCEE! (Errr.. okaaay)
SKIDS AND MUDFLAP! (Er.. nnoying!!!!)
DEVASTATOR! (er... that's it?)
WHEELIE! (WOO..ho.. er... bleh).



MORE MEGAN FOX! (WOOHOO!)
MORE CLEAVAGE! (Cleavage rating: 9.5, with added bouncing bonus!)
MORE SHIA LEBEOUF! (ERR.. NOT SO WOOHOO!)
MORE AGENT SIMMONS (Kill him off already)
MORE ANNOYING HUMAN CHARACTERS! (Kill them ALL off already)
MORE HUMAN THAN MEETS THE EYE!
MORE TERMINATOR THAN TERMINATOR!



MORE COOL CARS!
MORE UGLY ROBOTS!
MORE INDISINGUISAHABLT ROBOTS!
MORE METALLIC MAYHEM!
MORE LOUSY DIALOG!
MORE ANNOYING CHARACTERS!



Yes, this movie IS MORE than than meets the last one,
It's got more EVERYTHING,
MORE good parts,
MORE bad parts,
MORE budget to spend,
MORE time in the cinema,
MORE Megan Fox (always a good thing)
MORE cool cars (VERY cool indeed)
MORE annoying characters and lousy dialogue,
MORE robots and transformations,
and MORE great moments than the first one.
Yup, I think I'm even gonna watch it MORE than the first one.
ROLL OUT! YEAH!

Transformers Week on EoE: The Obligatory Week Closing Freewriting Ramble

Some Transformers week this has turned out to be. been too lazy to play around with the camera/toys, and been too busy playing Grim Fandango and Full Throttle to care. I AM looking forward to the movie though, though unfortunately unlike the last one where I got to watch the movie WEEKS before the REST OF THE WORLD did (my colleague went for the junket this time boohoo), this time I'll have to slum it with the mere mortals and go watch it a mere 3 days before it opens. Bah. On the plus side, if it all turns out well, I'll ALSO be watching it 2 days, and one day before it opens, which basically means by the time it opens on the 25th, I'd have already watched it three times.... LOL.

As for the toys, I've got a couple of them, but unlike the last time when I basically went berserk trying to get ALL the toys, this time I've limited myself to the really good ones only. No money mar, and the new toys aren't that great either. But the Leader-class Optimus Prime is AWESOME though. And the Sideswipe and Sideways toys. And of course, I MUST HAVE that Leader-class JETFIRE which transforms into a BLACK BIRD SR-71 for Pete's sake!

So what am I looking forward to in this movie? Lots - Devastator, Optimus Prime with two swords, Sideswipe, etc etc.



Oh, and Megan of course. *drool drool drooooool*

Transformers Week on EoE: Optimash Prime Returns With a New Friend!

Starscream Week on EoE: From No Hands And Six Missiles to Two Hands and Two Missiles...

Herro again, my fellow Decepticons! It is ME, STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEA.. oh you know the drill. Sorry about disappearing for the past few days, despite being Starscream Week and all. I was depressed from all the awesome puny humans dying, like my all time favorite badass David 'Bill' Carradine, who would have kicked Megatron's ass to Cybertron and back.

Anyway, enough moping. Let's continue with the introduction fo my BRAND NEW MOVIE TOY!

You saw the AWESOME jet mode on Tuesday, now, let's check out my AWESOME NEW ROBOT MODE!

But first, a look at the OLD ones, both the original AND the G1 repaints:



Despite looking like a gorilla, this was actually a damn cool toy k? Why? Because I didn't have just one, or two missiles, but SIX FREAKING MISSILES that I can shoot out from my JET MODE (from the front too, not through the ass like my new jet mode) AND from my HANDS in robot mode as well! (of course, it meant that I didn't really have hands either, but who needs hands when you have SIX FREAKING MISSILES instead!).

Yes, count em... ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX MISSILES! ARK ARK ARK.



Even the repaint of the old mold had SIX DAMN MISSILES as well!:



One thing I never got though. This was my head in the movie:



Apparently when you change your paint job, you're supposed to change your head as well:



Don't ask me why. It's so UGLY samore, not really a head that befits the HANDSOME AND POWERFUL SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS! NGIAAHAHAHAHAH!

The head-changing thingy is a trend that continued on to the new toy too. But this time I changed back to my usual handsome movie self:



And this is what I'd look like if I was on awkwardfamilyphotos.com:



Unfortunately, although I now have an awesome cool body that still looks like a gorilla but has a much cooler paintjob, AND I have HANDS, they took away FOUR of my missiles and all I have left are two missiles that I fire from two puny guns on my arms. Sigh...

But I'm still damn cool! Check out my cool poses with my old buddy from the first movie!



(Yes, I'm shorter too, and my legs still look like chicken feet. So sue me).

Starscream Week on EoE: All Hail Her Foxiness, The Future Queen of The Decepticons!

Herro again, my fellow Decepticons! It is I, your SUPREME LEADER, Mighty Muggs Starscream once again!



Yesterday, I was browsing around a bookstore, when I came across a AWESOME magazine that befits my status as SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS. It is the most MANLY magazine ever, so naturally, being the most macho and handsome DECEPTICON around (not to mention being the SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS), I decided to buy it.

After all, look at the er... AWESOME MANLY ARTICLES in it!

Like the 75 movies every man should see!



Woohoo! Awesome article!

And what about this, huh? They even teach you how to be good at DRINKING!



Ok, so it also mentions that stupid McTerminator movie:



Stupid movie. Trying to copy MY movie. Don't they know that our movie is so much more AWESOME because it has ME, STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS in it? I even have my own movie POSTER, for gods sake!

Anyway, the articles are not the only thing that I bought this magazine for. Noo. I am not as shallow as you think I am. I actually bought the magazine for the... COVER!

Behold, the future queen of Cybertron, (after I, STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS make her mine, that is)... Her Foxiness... MEGAN FOX!

Tah-dah!!!



Yes, we Starscreams LOVE her Megan Foxiness.



Look, even the little Starscream is trying to feel her up! HAHA!



What? You wanna check out the pictures INSIDE? Eh, go get your OWN copy! Or go check out the Esquire website by clicking HERE or the gratuitous photo of Megan below!



Now excuse me while I wipe the drool off my jet thrusters. This is Starscream, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS signing off!

Starscream Week on EoE: Introducing... The NEW Movie Starscream!

Hello Transformers fans! My name is Mighty Muggs STARSCREAM! SUPREME RULER OF THE DECEPTICONS! KING OF ALL CYBERTRON! NGIAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!

*looks around for Galvatron to point out the bad comedy*

Phew.

Anyway, since our Oh so GLORIOUS FORMER leader is now stuck in the bottom of the sea after getting some cube thingy stuck into his chest by that puny Shia Lebeouf, I am now THE SUPREME LEADER of the Decepticons! NGIAHAHA!

AND, while your usual host, Optimash Prime, is still running around every Toys R Us in town looking for the new Leader Class Optimus Prime toy to show off to you. I, STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS, And the only Mighty Muggs Decepticon in eyeris' collection (which automatically makes ME, STARSCREAM THE SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS) shall take over the Transformers toys posts on this blog! NGIAHAHA!

I hereby declare this STARSCREAM WEEK on Eye on Everything! NGIAHAHA!! Hey, if Optimus can have his OWN Optimus Prime Week, why can't I, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS have my own week as well, huh? *PFFFFBTTTT*

Anyway, allow me to begin Starscream week by showing you the movie versions of ME, STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEADER OF... oh you get the picture. We begin by showing you the OLD movie Starscreams, in my AWESOME AND POWERFUL F-22 JET alternate form!



That's the original movie colours. A bit boring, I know. But then, later I decided to change it to my COLOURFUL G1 colours, just for the heck of it! (And so more people will buy my AWESOME TOY!)



There was only one problem I had with this alternate mode. I, Starscream, SUPREME LEADER of the Decepticons...

HAD MY HEAD STUCK UP THE ASS OF THE DAMN JET!



WHAT BAD COMEDY IS THIS!!!!

Look, even when I changed my paint job, I STILL had my head stuck in my ass! And you could see it even more clearly now! GAH!



Anyway, enough of the old body. That was 2007. It's 2009 now, and I FINALLY HAVE A COOL NEW JET MODE!

CHECK IT OUT!



AWESOME RIGHT! It's only fitting that a SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS should have a body as COOL AND AWESOME as this one! Much better than that stupid Megatron's lousy jet and tank modes. HAH!

I mean, check out my COOL AWESOME NEW PAINT JOB!



And compare it to the OTHER two old bodies I had!



And the best part of this new body is... I no longer have my head stuck in my ass!

Instead, now it looks a little bit like this:



Ok, it still looks bad. Instead of my head at my ass, I now have my HANDS there, looking as though I'm groping my own jet-ass, PLUS I have two missiles sticking out of my ass.

Yes, I know I can put them on my wings, but what's the point of doing that when I can't SHOOT THEM? Instead, if I want to SHOOT my missiles in jet mode, I have to shoot them out of my ASS.

Hmm, maybe they are there so I can shoot anyDecepticon who tries to BACKSTAB Me! YES THAT'S IT! Sigh, being the Supreme Leader of the Decepticons is hard work....

Oh well. Tomorrow on Starscream Week on EoE, I shall show you my NEW ROBOT MODE! This is STARSCREAM, SUPREME LEADER OF THE DECEPTICONS, signing off for now! NGIAHAHAHAHA!