GI Joe = BIG, DUMB, LOUD. Like Transformers 2 Without The Giant Robots.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
Not a review.
ACTION!
EXPLOSIONS!
HOT BABES!
LOUSY DIALOGUE!
LOUD NOISES!
CRAPPY STORY!
It's like Transformers 2,
But without the giant robots.



Then again, it also seems like Team America.
Without the wooden puppet sex.
And with much better kungfu moves.
(which is ironic since GI Joe WERE toys in the first place)
AMERICANS BLOWING UP PARIS!
THE EIFFEL TOWER COLLAPSING!
Though I have to say the villains were better in Team America.
Destro's Scottish accent is excruciatingly comical.
And Cobra Commander's mask looks like something from MASK.
(Come to think of it, so do all the vehicles....)



Heck, the movie felt like a series of music videos,
Or a series of action sequences cobbled together.
It was BAM! warhead raid!
BAM! The Pit attack!
BAM! Eiffel Tower chase!
BAM! Dumbass TF-ripoff accelerator suits!
BAM! Underwater battle!
Story? Eh? What's that?



Most of the cast were ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes were cool though.
Snake Eyes especially.
Ray Park rocks!
And they just HAD to get Lee Byung Hun's shirt off huh?
(A few aunties at the screening actually squealed. SQUEALED.)
Too bad it wasn't Sienna or Rachel who got their kit off though siiiigh.



Practically the only thing I remember clearly is the babes.
Baronness was HOT in leather.
Cleavage rating 7.
In real life Sienna Miller not really that hot.
But in the movie she was SMOKIN'.
Black leather, glasses, two smokin' guns.
Hubba Hubba Joe!



I didn't think I'd like Scarlett though.
Until I saw Rachel Nichols in real life.
Oh boy is she HOT.
And she's pretty hot in the movie as well.
Even though she's a bit underused.
But seriously... Scarlett and Ripcord?
Talk about a mismatch.
Didn't she have the hots for Snake Eyes in the comic/cartoon?



Other than the babes and arguably Snake Eyes,
I don't remember anything else from the movie.
Except a lot of explosions, loud noises, some dodgy CGI,
Lousy dialog, corny accents, silly story...
It's mindless fun, lots of action, but not much else.
At least Transformers 2 had GIANT ROBOTS.
Without those GIANT ROBOTS,
You get GI Joe.
Yo Joe? Bah.
More like Meh JOE.
I'd rather go watch Transformers 2 again.
At least THEY have GIANT ROBOTS.

Forget Yo, Joe. I want more Hubba Hubba Baroness!

DISCLAIMER: No I haven't seen the new GI Joe movie yet. I have to tell you this up front because for some reason, there was some strange rumor going around the blogosphere that I'd seen Transformers: ROTF WEEKS before it opened. I didn't. I saw it TWO DAYS before it opened. LOL.

So yeah, I haven't watched the new GI Joe movie yet. But I will. next week. WEEKS before any of you! MUAHAHAHA!

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I have to say, I'm absolutely DREADING the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. I'm afraid it's gonna be another adolescent, mindless no-brainer with stupid dialogue and lousy jokes just like Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, but without the awesome cool giant robots to save it.

I mean, seriously - G.I. Joe has ALWAYS been about the bloody US military, and try as they might, updating the team to an anti-terrorist group instead just doesn't seem right somehow.

After all, the beauty (not that there was much beauty in a show glorifying the American military in the first place) of G.I. Joe (and most 80's cartoons for that matter) is that every single character has his or her own purpose, personality and vehicles/weapons/skills and even costumes.



Sure, some of those costumes were downright silly looking, and some of those skills were pathetically boring, but it made the cartoons so much more fun, especially when you're a kid and trying to spot the different characters each time.

The movie, however, eschews the colorfully distinct costumes and uniforms for a uniform BLACK LEATHER outfit, so you can't really differentiate one character from the other. It makes sense for characters like Snake Eyes and Baroness, because THER costumes were black all along. But everyone else as well? DUH.

And what's the fucking deal with giving them 'accelerator suits' (which contributes to a groan-inducing line of dialogue in the trailer --> "What's it accelarate?" "You." GAH you THINK? What WOULD it a man-shaped suit of armour accelarate? your pet chihuahua? DUH.)? It defeats the purpose of recruiting men (and one woman) with specialized skills and then giving them some suit that would just make it harder to tell them apart.

Michael Bay I can handle (maybe because I've actually met the guy and he seems alright if a bit addicted to making stuff explode). But somehow I don't really have much faith in Stephen Sommers. The only film he's made that I actually liked was The Mummy, and that was mostly because the cast made it so fun. Van Helsing sucked despite all the potential it had to be great (werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale in it, and it STILL sucked). And I don't remember anything else he made after that, to be honest. And I don't care.

Sure, he could do a Michael Bay and make a silly story based on an 80's cartoon look cool enough to be actually entertaining, but judging from the bloody trailer, I'm not holding my breathe. Why is Destro's voice so constipated? Why is the dialogue so lousy? Why is everyone in black? What the fuck is an accelerator suit? And why does that final scene where those suits dodge missiles look so much like the Ironhide scene in the first Transformers?

To tell the truth, perhaps the only thing I'm looking forward to seeing is Rachel Nichols as Scarlett (though her voice sounds whiny in the trailer)...



...and of course, the queen of all 80's cartoon villainesses - The Baroness.



Hey, Sienna Miller + black leather + cleavage + glasses + very big guns = ultimate distraction from silly movie (See Transformers 2. Wouldn't hurt to have giant robots as well).



Hubba Hubba Joe!