Stop Preaching And Beat Up Some Bad Guys Already, Jackie.

CZ12.
十二生肖
Not a review.
After all that mucking about with dramatic roles,
Jackie Chan is back!
Well, sort of.
He goes back to the old school sort of stunts and action,
But it's very clear that he's too old for this shit already.



I missed this Jackie Chan.
The one that used to fall off clock towers,
Hang off buses with umbrellas,
And fly around KL on a helicopter rope ladder.
Sure, he's older now, And not so fast,
even when he's wearing a roller suit.



Ok, the plot is pretty dumb,
and the middle part in the jungle is jawdroppingly BAD
(featuring the stupidest pirates ever filmed)
The dialouge is HORRENDOUS.
English? French? Mandarin?
MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY.
AND WHO THE HELL TALKS LIKE THAT???



Hmmm, cute girl though.
But VERY VERY Annoyingly self-righteous.
Wanted to slap her a few times.
No cleavage rating though.
But really, if you wanted cleavage,
You should have gone to the recent press conference in KL
She didn't just show cleavage,
She was almost TOPLESS.
(No, I can't publish those photos here, heh)




Still, it's Jackie Chan.
The action is still pretty good.
The sofa fight against the Vulture was great,
And that final fight in the factory was awesome,
but still a bit tame by his earlier standards
And he recycled all his old tricks,
Like, stop whacking your balls with sticks already, Jackie.



Oh, and yes we get it, Jackie.
Stolen national relics should go back to their countries.
Doesn't mean you have to keep HAMMERING on about it.
To the point of being overwhelmingly PREACHY.
go beat up some bad guys already.

KUNGFU! STATE OF THE ART! CHOP-SOCKY HEEEYAH!

Tai Chi Zero
太极 1
Not A Review.
Yes, I'm aware that the English name is ZERO
But the Chinese one is ONE.
Don't ask me why.
Well, the 2nd movie is supposed to be TAI CHI HERO.
ZERO to HERO, geddit? Sheesh.
What's the 3rd movie gonna be called?
Tai Chi Trio? Tai Chi Oreo? Tai Chi Gigolo?



Anyway, I had a BAAAAD feeling about this.
Because I saw a ENGLISH trailer for this during Dredd,
Which had the WORSE CHOP-SOCKY VOICEOVER EVER.
A KUNGFU STEAMPUNK THROWDOWN!
FIGHTING! KUNGFU! STATE OF THE ART!
CHOP-SOCKY HEEEYAH!



But surprisingly, this was not bad wor.
I was fairly entertained,
And I didn't cringe too much.
Which is a good thing.
Despite the crappy English dialogue,
And some facepalm moments.



The video game bits were quite fun!
Got funny little touches here and there,
Like Scott Pilgrim vs The World!
And got Street fighter scene also WTF.
But at least they were fun!
And not annoying!



The Steampunk parts were a bit dumb though.
WAH THE ANG MOH GOT AWESOME ROBOT HOUSE-EATING MACHINE!
HOW CAN THE PUNY KUNGFU BEAT THAT!
In the end it just distracted from the TAI CHI.
You'd think they'd use tai-chi to defeat the robot,
But NOOOO... first thing they say when they see it is:
"Our tai chi cannot defeat that."
*Facepalm*
COME ON, TAI CHI THE NUTS OFF THE DAMN ROBOT ALREADY.



And the story OMG.
HOW MANY TIMES YOU WANNA DO THE EAST VS WEST THING AGAIN?
EVERY Kungfu movie is about the kungfu vs angmoh thing.
I know it's what happened during that "period" in history,
BUT COME ON, ENOUGH OF THE SAME OLD SHIT ALREADY.
GET AN IMAGINATION AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL PLEASE.



The fighting? Not bad wor.
The lead fella is wushu champion,
So he is damn good.
(Acting a bit kayu, but not still bad)
But I wish they didn't edit so much and so quickly.
I hate it when fights are editted so much,
Until nothing but a bunch of legs and fists flailing about.



Hmmm, Angelababy.
Not too bad, cute, but a bit kayu.
Convincing fighting though.
(BTW why does her forehead look too big for her chin?)
Tony Leung (Kar Fai, not Chiu Wai) not bad also.
Though you saw who he was a MILE away.
The bad guy was annoying like hell though.
And looks kinda stupid in that hat.



Ok lah, I quite liked it.
It's not GREAT, but fun in a mindless sort of way.
The second one seems more serious though, I think.
The hero not so bodoh giler already.
He's supposed to be some kungfu legend BTW.
So yeah, MORE FIGHTING LESS ROBOT PLEASE KTHNXBAI.

PHWOAR GOT HOT CHICK SNAKE LESBIAN ACTION!

The Sorcerer And The White Snake.
白蛇傳說之法海
Not a review
Previously titled It's Love and Madame White Snake
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It's got Jet Li,
And some hot chicks,
And dodgy CGI.
Ok, A LOT of dodgy CGI.



Jet Li! As a monk!
As a laser shooting monk actually.
Well, sort-of.
He hardly does any fighting.
Just shoot lasers from his palms.
WHY JET LI WHYYYYY??
(BTW, why ALL the demons he fights are all hot babes wan ar?)



WAH GOT LESBIAN HOT CHICK SNAKE ACTION!
HALF-NAKED WOMEN! WITH SNAKE BODIES!
(Eh wait, aren't snakes reptiles? Why do they have boobs?)
FROLICKING AROUND IN THE GRASS!
FOOYOH!
OH wait, what? That's not actually a lesbian sex scene?
And what, They're SISTER SNAKES?
EEEEEEEWW......



Oklah, the two chicks quite hot.
That Eva Huang chick is hot,
Have I mentioned I've actually met her in person?
Yeah, she's even hotter in person.
Charlene too, actually.
Too bad there wasn't some REAL LESBIAN HOT CHICK SNAKE ACTION.
Ok wait, that would be weird.
EWWWW.



Oh look, got talking animals!
Got rabbit, turtle, rat..
WAh got thousands of talking rats saving the day samore!
What is this, NARNIA?
Oh look, got Lord Of The Rings Gandalf vs Balrog rip-off also!
And got 2012 giant tidal waves also!
And ooh, look, VAMPIRES!
And got that Ghostbusters ghost trap also!
Wah, the director really know how to 'borrow' from Hollywood hor?



WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CRAPPY CGI!
Oh, 3D, so must have A LOT A LOT of CGI is it?
Until EVERYTHING is CGI is it?
And why does it all look like video game wan?
And don't get me started on the 'monster' makeup.
Ok fine, check it out below:



Actually hor,
Calling this a B-grade movie is an insult to B-grade movies
Because at least B-grade movies KNOW they're B-grade movies.
I pity the sucker who invested all that money into this movie.
And those who paid money to go watch it.
So if you haven't gone to see it yet, DON'T
Go spend your hard-earned money on some nasi lemak instead.

WU HU! Donnie Yen Kicks Ass! (Again)

Wu Xia
武侠
Not a review.
Wah Donnie Yen again!
Why always him wan ar?
No one else can fight as good as him ar?
Oh yeah, there isn't.
Oh well...



Fooyor the story damn mystery mystery.
It's not all fight fight kill kill.
Got CSI scene also wan ok!
Kinda reminded me of A History Of Violence though.
Simple guy living simple life,
But actually hor, got damn bloody past wan.



Haiyor what spoiler.
See also you know lah.
It's DONNIE YEN.
See his face only you know he's going to fight lar.
And you KNOW he is not going ot be simple simple forever.



Takeshi was a bit weird though.
Maybe cos it's the Cantonese dubbing.
But quite fun, the fella.
Like House a bit, and can do CSI CSI also.
I quite like how they analyse the 'crime scene'
A bit kua ciong but fun.



eh the girl quite cute leh,
Oooh, she was from Lust, Caution.
That means we've seen her nekkid before lor.
Heh heh.
Nothing like that here though.
But her acting here is pretty good.
Didn't realize she was from that movie until later.



The fighting not bad.
But the beginning a bit slow lor,
If you just want fight fight fight fight.
Then you'll be disappointed.
But at least they tried something new.
Takeshi was fun
Donnie was... well, Donnie.
And PHWOAR the big boss is scary power.



It's quite interesting though,
Got fight, got CSI, got drama.
I quite like the CSI parts.
But hor, the ending a bit potong.
Both metaphorically and literally.
HAHAHAHAHA.

Is this the year the Panda beats Pixar? SKADOOSH!

Kung Fu Panda 2
Not A Review.
WHEE SKADOOSH!
Wah Pixar better look out,
Cars 2 has a lot of ground to make up
Because this movie is actually damn good.
Heck, it's even better than the FIRST Kungfu Panda IMHO.



Tigress! Snake! Panda!
Mantis! Monkey! Crane!
Peacock! Rhino! Ox! Croc!
I love all the different animal kungfu styles!



The action was definitely bigger and better.
Each individual animal also got to show off more.
More fighting, more awesome stuns,
THIS is how a kungfu movie should be like!
(Without all the actors breaking their necks, of course)



Fooyor the peacock bad guy damn power,
I really like the way they used the bird's form,
The metal claws, the tail feathers, the spear,
And his feathers are deadly throwing knives!
Lord Shen would KICK Tai Lung's butt, no fight!



It's quite funny also.
And at least they don't use all those pop culture jokes,
That all the Shrek lar Shark Tale use.
BOOORING.
Oh, if you understand Cantonese,
Go watch the Canto version also.
It's funny!



Oh, and it's not all action action fight fight,
Got some parts damn touching also ok?
Especially with the goose.
And the 3D not bad also.
Watch out Pixar, this panda means business.
SKADOOSH!

Another Ip Man movie? That's just not hip, man.

The Legend Is Born: Ip Man
葉問前傳
Not a review.
I know what you're thinking.
"ANOTHER Ip Man movie?"
"So soon after the Ip Man 2???"
"Wah really shameless hor?"
"Samore no Donnie Yen, WTF!!??!!??"



But this is more than jsut another copycat.
It's a prequel, for one.
And it's got IP CHUN in it for gods sake.
That old man's really got it.
That fight he has with Ip Man inside a medicine shop is AWESOME.
His acting? Er, not so awesome.
But he's IP CHUN for god's sake!



Oh, that Dennis To kid not too bad.
Acting a bit kayu.
But his fighting is bloody good.
World champion Wing Chun master ok don't play play.
His Wing Chun is actually BETTER than Donnie Yen's!
He was in Ip Man 2, BTW.
He was Sammo Hung's student, the one with misai.



Not bad, this movie also got Yuen Biao
He looks damn old now though.
But that fella still can fight.
Sammo Hung also in it.
But only for a while.
But he fights Yuen Biao! Awesome!



Also got that Jin Shan Zhao guy from Ip Man 1 & 2
The one that got beaten up by Donnie with a feather duster.
Here he's some step-brother of Ip Man.
Tipu one lah, Ip Man never had a step-brother.
The story is half true half fake wan.
Make it more drama konon.



But who cares, the fighting is AWESOME.
When they're not fighitng it's a bit boring.
But when they start fighitng its pretty awesome.
I liked the fighting here more than in Ip Man 2.
But movie -wise, not so great lor.



So now what? Wong Kar Wai's Ip Man?
More Ip Man movies?
Ip Man video games? Board games?
Movies where he fights giant human centipedes?
(Yes I'm looking at you, Wong Fe Hong)
Enough already!
Too much Ip Man makes him not Hip, Man.

Donnie Yen vs. Sammo Hung! HELL YEAH!

Ip Man 2
葉問2: 宗師傳奇
Not a Review.
WAAAAY better than any other kungfu movie this year.
Eat your heart out, True Legend!
It's like the first movie,
Got great parts, got not so great parts.
The first movie had better set pieces,
But the flow of the film was much better here.
But as usual, the FIGHTING is AWESOME
Huh? Story? Who cares?



Like I said before, Donnie Yen always kicks ass.
And boy does he kick a lot of ass here.
He even uses KNIVES here ok.
(ok, just the flat of the blade, no slash here slash there)
But add SAMMO HUNG into the movie,
And you've got one heck of a kungfu movie.



HOLY SHIT
SAMMO HUNG VERSUS DONNIE YEN!
ON A TABLE!
FIGHTING! (Don't get the wrong idea, folks)
So cool you don't really want it to end.
Now THAT is REAL kungfu showdown.



OK, so there's a Mat Salleh bad guy again.
Yes, that bloody old Chinese kungfu movie cliche again.
But at least this fight wasn't as bad as most other movies
Especially when you compare it with True Legend's LOUSY finale.
This one was damn brutal ok.
But you really need to see how Donnie Yen takes him out.
(OF COURSE he takes him out, DUH)



There's ONE move Donnie used on the Mat Salleh,
That was SO COOL I wished they would repeat it,
IN SLOW MOTION.
Just so you could see the beauty of that move.
It was THAT awesome.
You just have to see it to believe it.



OK I have a few complaints.
WHY did they edit the fights so closely?
I know they are supposed to look damn fast,
But sometimes you just wanna see the moves properly.
A lot of the fighting was spoilt by the blurry jerky camerawork
And what's with all the pointless characters.
What was the point of Simon Yam?
Oh well, not that I really cared.
Like I said, story? Who cares?
JUST KEEP FIGHTING! YEAH!